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Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
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the only reason i like driving to work is days like that.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 24th, 2007
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this is what Max looks like after rummaging around under the bed.
needless to say, i busted out the swiffers today.
little brat.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 10th, 2007
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i really want my own business.
just a place to be creative and do whatever i want.
but i want to cook, take photographs, sew and design.... and i can't just fucking pick one already.
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Saturday, July 28th, 2007
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Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
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roberto cavalli for H&M!
i just shit my pants.
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Friday, February 9th, 2007
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| Time: | 4:45 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. |
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Toy-Ann is coming to beat my mom up sometime today.
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Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
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| Time: | 9:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | brand new - guernica. |
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um. mexico in 30 hours. and shut up about not drinking the water.
i'm gonna come back like a burnt crispy! wheeeeeee!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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you have no idea what i'm trying to do, do you?
things are good, for the most part. i got a new job at faulkner honda, i'm a service assistant. woop. it doesn't sound very exciting, but it's a lot of work so i'm always busy, and that's just how i like it. i'm happy. i feel like i have nothing to do because i have nothing to worry about. it's a strange situation to be in considering the rut i was in. i haven't had any anxiety attacks in a while. well, one, a few weeks ago, but it passed fairly well. i feel a little weird right now, but it's almost a sick, sad type of happiness, which i guess is always good for the soul.
the book i'm writing is going well. it's simple, innocent, clever, and aware. it's kind of how i wish i came across sometimes. i like it. i don't care if nobody else will.
i miss a lot of people. people i haven't seen/talked to in a long time. (long for me being weeks or years) some of the people i wish would open their eyes and be willing to take what i'm willing to give. i'm not willing to give much, and it might not help shit, but i'll still be there. and even if they decide to forget, i'm a sucker, so i'll still be there.
the new jack's mannequin album takes me through a lot. it makes me want to fall in love. it makes me believe that everything will be okay. it makes me feel like i'm just getting ready to fall down again. it makes me think of winter & what you'd be like.
just stuff. but i'm good. yup.
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:05 am. |
| Mood: | creative. | | Music: | jason mraz - o. lover. |
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alright, boston is amazing. shit i miss it up there more than ever right now. the trip up took longer than expected. i got stuck in a few traffic jams... more like 4, but whatever. i got to nick's around 11:45. nick, mikey, balbi, bill & simal were there, so we just chilled and watched a movie, then passed out. saturday i was up around 10:30 but didnt leave nick's until closer to noon, i drove around boston, stopped to see josh at work and he told me that he & jess were playing a show at some cafe in brigham circle... so i should call caren or pete and meet up with them. so that was decided, and i drove around some more. somehow i got lost in charlestown, which is mob f-ing central, so i once i got out of there and into cambridge i felt a little bit better. somehow got back to nick's via I95 and we got fridays and sat on our asses for a bit. then i stopped in the old store, saw a few folks, and headed back into boston to meet up with caren. caren, pete, george & i then proceeded to brigham circle to see josh & jess play, met up with a few others i haven't seen in awhile... then wu, bracken, rachel & the other nick showed up. we all decided to head back to the unit household. wu's finally 21 which is sweet. bracken & rachel are still fucking adorable together and it makes me want to throw up. nick is still adorable too, but he seemed a little off... not much like himself, and that sucks. but josh & jess sounded good. it was a fun time. i crashed on josh's lower bunk and woke up sunday at 9:30am. then headed to Rhode Island for the ballgame. had a heart attack because i thought he wasn't there. felt better when he was. almost drove the whole way to boston, got a call from arrigo, went to north attleboro, got fucking lost for fucking ever, saw a softball game, got a bunch of misquito bites, crashed at the old apt. at like 2:30 am... woke up monday at 1, haha, didnt do crap... monday night was a clusterfuck and i'm not even really sure what happened. i know i almost ended up driving back to PA at 7pm, but then turned around in Hartford for whatever fucking reason. Nick was an asshole. Got drunk. Woke up at 10 on tuesday and bounced.
now i'm home and i want to go back so bad. i'm still in boston mode, thinking i can buy everything i need at the packy-store and bang lefts as soon as the light turns green... but i can't. oh well.
i missed kari :( boo. that fucking sucks. i also missed amander, jason, caleb, and alan... but i did see KC who i hadn't seen in like 2 years, which was cool. had good conversations. VERY good conversations in fact... said some things and heard some things that i never would have expected.
lease is up in february. who needs a roomie? :)
p.s. can we just discuss this jason mraz cd for a second? i bought it when i stopped into circuit in millbury to see mike on my way home tuesday morning, because i've been looking forward to it for a month now... and i must say... i'm not too happy. i guess i just wish it was a little bit more raw. a little less productive, a little more acoustic. and little more focus on the vocals, because the kid can sing, you know? maybe you could've just thrown on a bonus track that was you & a guitar, one take, even if you messed it up. i just... argh. it's good but i wish it was better and i hate that.
p.p.s. the book is going great :) i love this shit.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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just because everyone else says it better than i ever could sometimes...
it takes two to fall in love
but only one has to pull the plug
and then you're left alone
just like that...
an open space on my wall
where your pictures hung before
there is dark holes...
inside them I see
the emptyness thats inside of me
you took away a part of me
cause i cant be around you
you took away my confidence
can I live without you?
without you, with out you.....
can i live without you?!
I approach you say stay away
my heart it drops
my body shakes
in spite you've turned your world around
and it spins me around
my world is filled with muffled sounds
its funny how a thought of you
can pick me up and put me down
you pull me down.
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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:20 am. |
| Mood: | hopeful. |
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oh geez i'm exhausted. yep, definitely woke up fiften minutes AFTER i was supposed to be at work this morning. but shit, here i am at work updating my livejournal... so it's not like this job even MATTERS, but oh well. let's see... last night I bought the best jeans ever. :) Now I gotta break them in before the weekend. I also bought brand new socks last night... and putting on a brand new pair of socks is by far one of the best feelings in the world. If I were disgustingly rich, I would definitely not wear the same pair of socks twice. And I bought the new Finch cd, which is definitely worth the $13 I spent on it.
Soooo... friday night at 4:30 I'm leaving for Boston. It's gonna be awesome! There's so much stuff I have to do while I'm up there though. Obviously see the old roomies & that crew, then the old work crew (or as much as I can assemble), and I also have to drive to R.I. to see Mr. Bailey play a game (oh snap). I'm thinking I'll do that Sunday, because it's a day game, then drive back up to see Kari, because she's going to be in NH until Sunday night. So Saturday it's just me & the boys, or just me downtown with the old crew. I definitely have to hit up some shopping too. Monday it's hang out with Amanderrrrrrr day.
But in the next 2 nights I have a ton of shit to do. I need, NEED, to clean out my car ASAP. I think something is growing in there. Then I have to do some damn laundry, because my house IS a giant laundry basket. Maybe hit up the game tonight for a bit. Clean up my mom's house because people are looking at it tonight. Clean my house & assemble all the fun things I got from IKEA that I haven't touched because I can't find my drill.
Yeah, this isn't really a fun post. Just a way to keep my shit in check, and to say i'm GOD DAMN EXCITED for this weekend.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 2:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. |
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i'm so tired. i'm tired of everything. i don't think anyone realizes how screwed up my head is half the time. i'm constantly being irrational and acting on ridiculous impulses, and i really can't control it anymore. and i'm tired of trying and giving to everybody and getting nothing in return.
the weekend can't come soon enough.
i can't wait to go home. i miss it.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:24 pm. |
| Mood: | chipper. | | Music: | fall out boy - saturday. |
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i've decided i'm actually worthy of being picky & not settling.
so find me this guy:
he has green eyes.
he understands why i stand at petsmart for 40 minutes just watching the kitties.
he buys me blizzards when i'm sad.
he goes to baseball games with me when i'm happy.
he doesn't make his bed.
he has good taste in music and doesn't mind spending a sunday afternoon driving around for hours just singing at the top of our lungs. (windows down, of course)
he has nice shoulders.
he likes talking about nothing and everything at the same time.
he's intelligent.
he hugs me in the morning and the evening. (if possible)
he likes breakfast & b-movies in bed.
so if you know who that guy is, or where the fuck i could find him that'd be super if you could tell me.
ok thanks.
:)
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
But we never stood a chance
And I'm not sure if it matters
If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons
I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town
Your secrets out
I know it hurts, it was meant to
Your secrets out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over matter
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
But it must be said again that all us girls are just screaming
Into microphones for attention
Because we're just so bored
We never knew that you would pick it apart, oh
I'm falling apart to songs about hips and hearts
Your secrets out
I know it hurts, it was meant to
Your secrets out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over matter
I used to obsess over living,
Now I only obsess over you
Tell me you'd like girls like me better
In the dark lying on top of you
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters
I know it hurts, it was meant to
Your secrets out and the best part is it isn't even a good one
And it's mind over matter
From day one I talked about getting out
But not forgetting about
How all my worst fears are letting out
He said why put a new address on the same old lonliness
When breathing just passes the time
Until we all just get old and die
Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address on the same old lonliness
And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left
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Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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I just got back from my lunch break and while I was at my mom's house, eating all her food, I was looking at old pictures and thinking about all the stuff I can and can't remember about my life. It's ironic because earlier last week I just started writing about my life. Everything I could think of, and it was all just a blur. Nothing could come out in the right order... and all I just wanted to do was write. So it's just a big blob of everything with no direction. So now I'm thinking... What will I remember 20 years from now?
( (in no particular order... and it's LONG) )
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Since last Monday I've been answering the phones at L.B. Smith LM/Jaguar and to be completely honest.... it fucking sucks. Yeah, I can appreciate the fact that I have a job now, temporary or not, but I really don't think I can make it through this week answering phones and reading sappy novels about falling in love and making things happen and how everyone's so fucking happy. I'm not happy. I don't know what makes me happy. I have no motivation to be happy, because I'm happy being unhappy. Figure that shit out.
I want things but I don't want to work for them. I want them to fall into my lap, easy as pie. I'm selfish, but in all reality I give up a lot of shit for other people. I just like to hear myself say I want something, because it makes me feel like I have a fucking goal.
I want a new car. I want it to have tinted windows and be dark and mysterious. I want it to be fast and too expensive. I want to buy every type of modification for it and put them all on myself. I want to fall in love. I want to feel loved. I don't know what that concept is, so I want to risk it all, throw caution to the wind and dive in. I want you to break my heart. I want to hurt. I want to know how it feels to lose something when you don't do anything to deserve it in the first place. I want to love someone. I want to wake up in the morning and be warm because you're next to me. I want breakfast in bed on Sundays, complete with a newspaper, eggs over easy, two slices of wheat toast and a huge glass of chocolate milk. I want my house to be 65 degrees all the time so I always have an excuse to wear sweaters. I want my thighs to go away but my ass to stay in tact. I don't want to wear glasses anymore, because nobody can appreciate my eyes with these things on. I want my gray hair to go away. I'm 21, I have enough shit to worry about, I don't need anymore damn gray hairs. I want to be successful. I want to be comfortable and satisfied, but still motivated. I want to make a sufficient income being a photographer. I want to own a restaurant, or a bar. Preferably a cafe by day, bar by night. I want a new guitar, so I can practice and play awesome songs at my cafe/bar, which will be tastefully decorated with photos I've taken over the years. I want to own a minor league baseball team, and only charge a dollar for everything on the menu. I want a new couch because my big old behind doesn't fit on mine. I want my mom to get married so I can kill her husband and take all his money. Did I just say that? I never want Willie to die. Ever.
I want someone to care because I deserve it. I want to be able to trust, love, and give everything to someone, because they deserve it. I want someone to deserve it. I need someone to deserve it. I want to feel beautiful, confident, alluring, and sophisticated. I generally feel dreary, incompetent and lonely. I want all of my anxiety and depression problems to go away without medication or some fucking shrink. I want to win the lottery. Fourteen million, preferably. That's all I need.
I want it all.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 8:04 am. |
| Mood: | working. |
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hey, guess what.
i'm scared.
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for the most part my shit is back on track. i really like who i am and who i surround myself with. there are still a few people in my life that i'm not as close to as i'd like to be, but they'll come around. i'll make sure of it. all i really want right now is a kitty and air conditioning.
and i couldn't have said it better myself....
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
Cause I've been in love before
And I've found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure from the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you
Oh, now please don't run and hide
If I love you too
Oh, please don't hurt my pride like her
Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you'll see
That I would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if I knew love was in vain
So I hope you'll see
That I would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 11th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:43 pm. |
| Mood: | uncomfortable. | | Music: | say anything - admit it. |
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Accentuated by the mobile dungeon of fluorescence,
As I fall out of love, this wasn’t supposed to happen,
Not according to you.
Please don’t allow your voice to fade,
Don’t fall so weak to fault or blame,
To give yourself reason for an end.
Please don’t allow your voice to fade,
Don’t fall so weak to fault or blame,
To give yourself reason for an end.
We’d have our own subway car in the middle of the night,
I’d work the same job and play the same bars on every weekend,
As the graffiti scrolls by.
Please don’t allow your voice to fade,
Don’t fall so weak to fault for blame,
To give yourself reason for an end.
Please don’t allow your voice to fade,
Don’t fall so weak to fault for blame,
To give yourself reason for an end.
And at the end of your low,
You pin my shoulders against the mattress,
Arching your frame with your stomach pushed outward,
Your head tilting back with your mouth partially open,
The sounds slur and elevate slowly in volume,
When you wake up with your family gathered around,
Remember that our love was true,
And I will not allow you to destroy yourself, oh no.
And I hope that I'm not revealing too,
I hope that I'm not revealing too,
I hope that I'm not revealing too,
I hope that I'm not revealing too much, no too much.
We’d have our own subway car in the middle of the night,
I’d work the same job and play the same bars on every weekend,
As the graffiti scrolls by.
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sometimes i think i'm madly in love with this guy that doesn't exist. no, not mr. perfect... just a combination of all the things i love about all my guy friends. all the reasons i turn to each one for each of my feelings and desires. no matter what i'm thinking about, i know exactly who i want to talk about it with. and they always make me feel better, even if they don't give advice. even if they tell me i'm crazy. even if they cry with me.
they always help.
if i could put them all in one box, good lord... i'd be a happy fucking camper.
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liserrrrr's journal
pissed off.